Midweek Thoughts - House Ramblings

I know, I know. How can it be that I have more to say about this moving/house process? Believe me, I'm sick of myself too. :)

But I've been having more emotions surrounding this move as we've gotten closer and closer and I thought writing it out might help. 

I always struggle with admitting to having anxious feelings in regard to events that truly are blessings because I never want it to appear that I'm not entirely grateful for the life I've been given and the blessings and privileges that come with it. However, I can't deny that I have worries and less than stellar emotions surrounding "the good stuff" too. And that guilt of a possible perception of ungratefulness only adds to the anxiety, so I try to quiet that when I can. 

I've always been such a dreamer. And not in the larger-than-life kind of dreamer. My dreams have always been grounded in a decent amount of reality. Laying in bed as a little kid I dreamed about graduating college and having a desk in an office and having a dog and kids and the whole thing, but more than anything, I dreamed about having a home.

I grew up watching my grandparents host people in their home constantly, from Christmas parties to summer BBQs. Occassion aside, there was always warmth and love. Their home was filled with laughter and everyone always felt like they belonged. When I was young and would visit my grandparent's house (which was like every week because I was obsessed with them--still am), I would always ask before taking something (obviously--manners, hello), but my grandma always said, "this is your home. You don't ever ask me for anything." And that has stuck with me my entire life.

I have wanted nothing more than to replicate that kind of warmth and their inviting nature in my own home. Of all my dreams, it is of the most importance (second to being a mom one day). And I've spent this entire buying process thrilled to death, brimming with excitement. And then the last week or so, I've been slowing up. My nerves are surfacing and my separation anxiety looming.

I think I can break my anxious thoughts into two major concerns: separation anxiety and relationship anxieties.

I've had separation anxiety from my mom since before I can remember. I think some of this has to do with my parents divorce, but I think mostly, I'm just predisposed to this kind of anxiety. I was born with an inherent attachment to her. When I was a kid I would freak out about sleepovers until at least middle school haha. And even in college, I struggled with going on weekend trips cause I didn't really want to be away from home. It was partly about leaving my mom and partly about leaving my home, and those same thoughts are starting to resurface as I plan to move out for good.

The other concern is so unfounded and not grounded in any kind of reality or anything I've experienced, which is why I'm annoyed I even have these concerns to begin with, but I have some concerns about living with someone. I know that's normal and to be expected, but I think I'm placing a lot of pressure on our relationship to stay as it's been, which is unfair to do because change is always inevitable when environments and circumstances change. I'm overly concerned about us arguing a lot or our dynamic changing. Not much about our relationship or our recent behavior points to any of this actually happening, but I still have the concerns regardless.

I have a list of standard mantras/phrases I repeat to myself when I need to self-soothe/calm the hell down:

my blessings are bigger than my stress 
mind over matter
this is just the fear of the unknown

I know so much of this, if not entirely, is affected by my attitude. When you think or assume something is going to happen, it probably will.

I've stopped setting intentions in the last few weeks and that was such a helpful practice for me mentally that I'm jumping right back on that horse and it's already helped this week immensely. My new mantra of "lean in" has been so helpful too. So often I try to fight back physical outpouring of emotion because it makes me feel like I've given up or am letting things get to me too much, but fighting the sadness or anxiety only makes it worse (which is advice I give to everyone under the sun, so why I'm not listening to myself is baffling).

Another negative instinct I have is to pull away from the people closest to me because it feels like a productive defense mechanism, but it's actually so counter productive because it can introduce other unnecessary issues.

This week I've been practicing leaning into people and my relationships with them, leaning into emotions even if they're hard instead of fighting them, leaning into the reality that some of these thoughts aren't going to go away until I'm in the thick of a this new experience and adventure and that's OK.

I've been worried that after all this time the reality would be that I find more pleasure in the dreaming part of dreams, but when dreams become reality, I'm afraid they'll lose their magic. Somehow accomplishment and achievement is indicative of loss of spark and excitement. Oh well, that's over now. We did that thing. This is where I'd like to think the adventure part of life kicks in. It's the adventure, the journey, that conjures and retains the magic.

And magic has always been my answer for everything, so as long as we believe in magic...